Fed Up With Feeling Alone?
http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Finch3.html
By: Alison Finch
Do you ever feel empty and alone, sometimes even when you’re surrounded by people?
Most people feel alone at some points in their lives, but for some these feelings seem to be deeply ingrained to the point where it seems part of their identity – but it doesn’t have to be this way!
Sometimes the feelings are there for reasons that seem obvious and real, for example:
>the aftermath of a painful break-up of a romantic relationship
>a chronic health problem that seems to sap our vitality and makes us feel less fun to be with
>having a guilty secret that seems to become a heavier and heavier emotional burden
>unrequited love or passion, or simply wanting an intimate and sexual relationship and failing to find one
>the feeling of disillusionment after having shared too much with someone who doesn’t understand
>simply having no-one to turn to when life gets tough
You could probably add quite a few more situations to this list yourself, because everyone’s experience of feeling alone is slightly different. But – in some ways – this fact holds the key to understanding what causes us to feel alone. And, once we understand such a powerful emotion, it becomes so much easier to learn to fear it less and to recognise that you CAN do something to change your feelings.
I’ve said that there are many reasons for feeling alone, but perhaps there is really only one cause. Loneliness sets in when we cannot – for whatever reason – share our thoughts and feelings with someone whom we trust, and who we know will care. Care enough to listen to what we are saying, even if he or she is busy. Care enough to try to understand what we feel and why. Care enough to empathise rather than merely offer sympathy or condolence.
So with that understanding let’s have a look at some powerful do’s and don’ts to help you get to grips with your loneliness:
Here’s what NOT to do:
>Do NOT slump in your chair and listen to soppy music and love-songs, or watch “girlie flicks” or “weepies”, or try to lose yourself in a slushy romantic novel. Any of these
activities will accentuate your pain and merely encourage you to wallow in self-pity, thereby eating away at your already weakened confidence to get out into the world and make something happen for yourself.
>Do NOT plan too many solitary activities to “keep yourself occupied”, such as spring-cleaning, going for a long walk, or visiting a movie theatre – even if the movie is not slushy! Each event can compound your belief that you are alone in the world and reinforce your perception that you must always be prepared to do things independently from others.
>Do NOT read horoscopes, get out the tarot cards, or visit fortune-tellers. In fact, don’t use ANY methods to predict the future, because every one of them will simply reinforce the notion that things are outside your own control. Worse, they may even leave you waiting expectantly for events that will probably never occur.
>Do NOT rely on a pet for comfort when you’re feeling alone. I’m not for one moment suggesting that you should neglect your pet if you have one, nor am I suggesting that you stop enjoying the pleasure it can bring into your life. I’m saying that relying on your pet as a substitute for real intimacy with another person is a recipe for further, and longer, unhappiness.
That’s a lot of don’ts – so what COULD you do to begin to feel better?
Tip one: If you’re not good at striking up meaningful conversations with other people, then LEARN! Don’t settle for superficial and meaningless chat about the weather or gossip about what so-and-so did last week. Superficial chat can leave you feeling worse, because you know that you’ve had a “conversation” but that everything that matters to you is still trapped deep inside.
Tip two: Surround yourself with the right sort of people – those who can give you energy rather than take it from you. Think about your current relationships: which people leave you with more energy than when they came, and which leave you feeling flat and drained?
Tip three: Move a little closer emotionally to people whom you already like and have no reason to distrust. Dare to share more of what’s in your head than you do right now, but be VERY careful not to gush it all out and “dump” it on somebody else.
Tip four: Most important of all, never demand sympathy. Don’t even look for sympathy, because others will see your neediness heading towards them and they will almost certainly want to move out of your path! But there’s absolutely no harm in looking to other people for solutions, so thank you for looking to reading this article!
Author’s Bio:
Alison Finch is the Founder and Creator of Selfesteem4women.com, which has become the most popular Self-esteem site for women on the internet. Her unique approach to building women’s self-esteem is refreshingly different, very easy to follow, and has a twelve-year proven track record of success. Unlike many in her field, Alison has collected evidence to show that doing well in life is important if women want to feel good about themselves. She’s devoted her life to helping women do just that! Her site contains a free self-esteem test, free articles and eCards, a confidence cafe to meet other women, a highly-popular bi-weekly eZine, affordable online coaching and many practical Self-help Programs in the form of eWorkbooks.
If you would like to explore your self-esteem and feel less alone visit: Visit this link
Have a Blessed Day
Love & Light
Karen
The Spirit Way
How to see your future
http://www.verycoollife.com/663/how-to-see-your-future/
By: Drew Rozell, PHM.D.
I’ve always been able to see people’s futures.
Not in a psychic sort of way where I can tell you what color shirt you would be wearing and the weather conditions on the day you decide to check out of this life… I don’t see scenes of the future play out in my head like movies.
Rather, if I hear you talk about you life and your desires for just a minute or two – even if we’ve never met before – I can tell whether you’re on track to manifest what you want into your life.
I just know. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always just known.
Until recently, I had no understanding where this ability came from. It’s not something you tell many people or share in casual conversation. And sometimes it feels freaky when I see things play out just as I knew they would.
While I considered this ability to be a gift, in the past it has almost equally as often felt like a curse.
(It’s a gift in my work as a coach where the entire basis of our relationship is for me to leverage this power. It can feel like a curse when you’re with a friend who’s sharing something, but has not specifically asked for your help. I’ve learned that if I share what I see without being asked first, I am met with a huge wall of resistance. Sometimes it’s hard not to say something when you can see the piano dangling over someone’s head.)
Here’s what I’ve come to realize (and my point in sharing this with you here)…
When I say I just know what’s coming up for someone, what I really mean is that I can feel it. Again, I’m not seeing the person’s future in my head. But I am built in a way that makes me sensitive to the energy that they are giving off.
More specifically, when I am connecting with you, I can pick up how you feel when you’re talking about some subject, whether that’s your relationship, money, health, or whatever.
Here’s how it works for me…
If listening to you talk about your desire causes squirrels to start wrestling around in my stomach, I know you’re off course. If listening to you gives me a feeling of calm, hope, or inspiration, I know you’re on track and about to experience what you really want.
So if you want to the ability to look into your own future and know what’s coming, it’s quite simple.
You need only check in with how you feel today on a given subject to accurately predict your future.
The emotion you feel is the product of the thoughts you have been connecting to on that subject.
For example, if you want your life to feel fun and full of adventure, yet today you talk about how bored and uninspired you feel, you are off course.
If you want to attract a new relationship, but inside you doubt whether you’ll ever meet that person, you’re off course.
If you want to live in a life of freedom, with reserves of cash all around you, but you speak of how hard things are or you argue for the reasons why your desires cannot happen, you are off course.
Whatever the subject, the feeling that you associate with it in the present moment determines your future experience. No exceptions.
Check in with how you feel today and you have your glimpse into tomorrow. Voila!
You are now an oracle.
Here’s the upgrade. If there’s some aspect of your life that you do not feel great about (and I am guessing there is), the good news is that the future is not written in stone. Keep in mind, you always write your future.
If you want tomorrow to look better than today, your work is to feel better today.
That’s all. It’s not complicated…
(But are you doing the work to create the future you want?)
Have a Blessed Week
Love & Light
Karen
The Spirit Way
Make Your Life Rich without Money
Whitney Hopler, Crosswalk.com Contributing Writer Friday, February 12, 2010
By: http://www.crosswalk.com/family/finances/make-your-life-rich-without-money-11626195.html
Editor’s Note: The following is a report on the practical applications of Phil Callaway’s book, Make Your Life Rich without Any Money: Stories of Finding Joy in What Really Matters, (Harvest House Publishers, 2009).
Our culture says that the good life comes from what money can buy: like a new car, a bigger house, an exotic trip, the latest clothes, or restaurant meals. But none of that is really necessary to richly enjoy your life. It turns out that the old adage is true – the best things in life are free. You don’t need money to enrich your life.
Here’s how you can make your life rich without money
Know the speed limit. The richness of your life is determined not by the time you’re given, but by what you choose to do with it. Slow down enough to listen to God’s voice so you can focus on what matters most. Make time to rest physically by getting enough sleep, and rest emotionally by choosing to trust God in every situation rather than worrying. Base your priorities on God’s purposes for your life, and base your schedule around your priorities to cut down on unnecessary busyness. But keep your schedule flexible enough to be open and available for the divine interruptions that come your way. Live frugally, avoiding debt whenever possible. Enjoy something without owning it, such as by visiting parks often rather than buying a home with a large yard. Save and give as much as you can. Place your ultimate trust in God rather than in money.
Stop spending lots of time and energy consuming (buying goods and services) so you can focus more on contributing (using your talents and skills to make the world a better place). Simplify your life however you can, such as by celebrating a weekly Sabbath day of rest and learning to say “no” to unimportant requests for your time. Enjoy the simple gifts God gives, such as regular playtimes with children and pets.
Hit curveballs. The richness of your life is determined not by what life brings you, but by what you bring to it, and not by what happens to you, but by how you respond to what happens. So when you encounter unexpected challenges (like losing your job or being diagnosed with a serious illness), trust God to help you overcome them. Remember that, no matter what happens to you in this fallen world, there’s always something for which you can be thankful – especially God’s promise to never leave or forsake you. When you’re struggling with a painful situation, invite God to transform it to accomplish a good purpose.
Be a people person. The richness of your life could depend on one simple question: “If I were to lose everything, what would I have left?” The answer: relationships – with God and other people. Since people are eternal and money is temporary, invest well in your relationships. Work on becoming a good friend by: accepting people, listening well, keeping confidential information private, telling your friends the truth in love and letting them do that same with you, forgiving people, looking to God to meet your needs rather than putting pressure on your friends, and being there for people during their crises and struggles.
Work on developing a good marriage by keeping communication lines open, expressing love and respect often, praying together, forgiving each other, making time for romance regularly, listening to each other well, being kind and gentle toward each other, and remaining committed during tough times.
Know where the buck stops. The richness of your life is determined not by what you have, but by what has you. So build your life around God instead of money. Pursue God’s purposes for your life rather than chasing after money. Pray for the ability to be content with any financial state. Rejoice that you can enjoy God’s grace anytime, for free. Keep in mind the limits to what money can and can’t buy: nice houses, but not a home; a fancy bed, but not a peaceful sleep; companions, but not friends; food, but not satisfaction; sex, but not love; new cars, but not safety; pills, but not health; fun, but not fulfillment; sun-filled vacations, but not peace.
Have a Blessed Weekend
Love & Light
Karen
The Spirit Way
50 THINGS YOU CAN CONTROL RIGHT NOW
I Love This!!
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/50-things-you-can-control-right-now/
By: Lori Deschene
“Why worry about things you can’t control when you can keep yourself busy controlling the things that depend on you?” ~Unknown
CNN reports that psychic businesses are thriving in this challenging economy—and the clientele has expanded to include more business professionals who are worried about their financial future. According to Columbia Business School’s Professor Gita Johar who studies consumer behavior, the greatest motivation for visiting a psychic is to feel a sense of control.
Sure, there are lots of things we can’t control: businesses may fold, stocks may plummet, relationships may end–the list is infinite, really. But wouldn’t we be far more effective if we focused on all things we can control instead; if we stopped worrying about the indefinite and started benefiting from the guaranteed?
Right now you can control:
1. How many times you smile today.
2. How much effort you exert at work.
3. Your level of honesty.
4. How well you prepare.
5. How you act on your feelings.
6. How often you say “thank you.”
7. When you pull out your wallet for luxuries.
8. Whether or not you give someone the benefit of the doubt.
9. How you interpret situations.
10. Whether or not you compete with people around you.
11. How often you notice and appreciate small acts of kindness—they’re everywhere!
12. Whether you listen or wait to talk.
13. When you walk away from a conversation.
14. How nice you are to yourself in your head.
15. Whether you think positive or negative thoughts.
16. Whether or not you form expectations of people.
17. The type of food you eat.
18. When you answer someone’s question—or email or call.
19. How much time you spend worrying.
20. How many new things you try.
21. How much exercise you get.
22. How many times you swear in traffic.
23. Whether or not you plan for the weather.
24. How much time you spend trying to convince people you’re right.
25. How often you think about your past.
26. How many negative articles you read.
27. The attention you give to your loved ones when you see them.
28. How much you enjoy the things you have right now.
29. Whether or not you communicate something that’s on your mind.
30. How clean or uncluttered you keep your space.
31. What books you read.
32. How well you network at social events.
33. How deeply you breathe when you experience stress.
34. How many times you admit you don’t know something—and then learn something new.
35. How often you use your influence to help people instead of focusing on building your influence.
36. When you ask for help.
37. Which commitments you keep and cancel.
38. How many risks you take.
39. How creative/innovative you are in your thinking.
40. How clear you are when you explain your thoughts.
41. Whether you formulate a new plan or act on your existing one.
42. How much information you get before you make a decision.
43. How much information you share with people.
44. Whether you smoke or drink (unless you’re an alcoholic, in which case I am not qualified to offer you advice.)
45. Whether or not you judge other people.
46. Whether you smell good or bad (unless you have some strange resistance to soap and deodorant).
47. How much of what other people say you believe.
48. How quickly you try again after you fall.
49. How many times you say “I love you.”
50. How much rest you get at night.
Odds are some of these resonate with you more than others; so what? You can’t do 50 things at once anyway. When I start fixating on something I can’t control, I pick just one of these to think about instead. Minor changes in thinking, I’ve found, lead to major changes in my reality. Do you have any to add to the list?
Have a Blessed Day
Love & Light
Karen
The Spirit Way
How to Let Go of the Past and Not Fear Your Future
http://www.thedailymind.com/how-to/how-to-let-go-of-the-past-and-not-fear-your-future/
By: thedailyminder.com
“Stop acting as if life is a rehearsal. Live this day as if it were your last. The past is over and gone. The future is not guaranteed.” – Wayne dyer.
The other night I was sitting down with my brother watching a late night soccer match when we started talking about the “good ole days” and all of our plans for the future. After a while we paused and then started laughing because it seemed as though I was trapped in the past and he was fearful of the future. The whole conversation I had been talking about how things used to be and he spent the whole time talking about how hard things are going to be. It was a bit of an “Ah huh!” moment as we both realized that grasping on to the past/future was keeping us from being happy.
In this post I want to talk about how to let go of your past and not fear your future. It is one of the most important things you will ever attempt to do – living in the present is the only way to be happy.
NOTE – I have divided this article into two posts as they were quite long. Today’s post will be on letting go of the past and tomorrow’s post will be on learning how to not fear your future. Make sure you subscribe to the feed if you don’t want to miss out.
As always, if you have something to add or a comment that you think might help someone out there please leave a comment and let us know. All comments are greatly appreciated.
How to let go of your past
For some people, the past is like a ball and chain. It follows you wherever you go and it stops you from achieving your goals in life. It is restricting, heavy and extremely burdensome. A lot of people never break free. If you feel a little bit like that then please read through these suggestions and take them to heart. If you can break free from your past you might find your present and future moments are looking a lot brighter.
1. Realize that it cannot be changed
The most sobering thing about the past is that it cannot be changed. Things have already happened. And seeing as there is no way to travel back in time, there is no way to change the past. Learn to accept it.
I once read about a man who sped through a traffic light because he was late to work and ran over a mother and bay. Both mother and child were killed but the driver survived unharmed. This man became an alcoholic and a drug user and his life started spiraling out of control as his guilt was so painful. It took him almost 30 years but one day he realized that what was done was done and there was no way to change it. By destroying his life as well he was effectively ruining three lives.
If you live in the past and are having trouble letting go you need to realize that it cannot be changed. You can never go back to those times and you will never erase what happened. By living in this past moment you are preventing yourself from actually fixing what you did wrong.
2. Don’t make “mind stories”
Sometimes when I cast my mind back to my days in high school or my first trip to India I get a swell of emotion and then start to create “mind stories”. These stories can go on all day and basically consist of my going over all my good memories and then getting upset when I realize that times have changed. Don’t do this.
We all make “mind stories” to some extent. My mother is the opposite of me and she spends all day going over all the bad things that could happen or all the negative events that occurred in the past. The mental chatter is poisonous. As soon as you start, it is almost impossible to stop. One thought leads to another and before long you realize that you have a whole day of your life in the past.
3. Think about impermanence
It wouldn’t be a post by The Daily Minder without mentioning impermanence. I can hear of you all groaning now – “here he goes… rambling on about impermanence again!” It is an important truth to realize, however, and it is particularly useful when dealing with an inability to let go of the past.
First of all, we need to realize that we don’t have a lot of time on this Earth. Death can come at any moment. You could eat a poisonous dinner, choke on a carrot or get hit by a car. You could get cancer tomorrow. Imagine if a wise old meditation master came to you and said you only had two weeks left to life. Would you regret spending so much time thinking about the past? Would you consider that you wasted your time here on Earth? I know I would.
The next time you start worrying about the past I want you to remember impermanence. Say to yourself, “I don’t have time for this” and just drop it. Over time you will train your mind to ignore those thoughts and as the days and weeks go by the attachment to the past will fade away.
4. Meditate on compassion
A few years ago I was in North India listening to a talk by an old Tibetan Lama who had grown up in Tibet and fled to India in the 60′s. At the end of the talk the Lama answered a few questions from the audience. One of the questions said:
“Tibet was one of the most beautiful countries where people had freedom to practice meditation and live in peace. Do you miss those days?”
The Lama, without even pausing for a moment, just shook his head and said “No”. Then he followed up by saying, “thinking about times gone by is useless. It doesn’t help yourself and it doesn’t help other people”. I was impressed. What he said left an indelible mark on my mind – dwelling on the past is a fruitless pursuit and it helps no one.
If you are stuck in the past you need to realize that those thoughts and habits are helping no one. It is an extremely uncompassionate way to live your life and it will get you no where.
5. Understand we can’t control everything
I am a firm believer that we control our destiny. I do not think God or anyone else plans things out for us, I think we are the ones who forge our future and I think we are the ones responsible for our actions. Sometimes, however, we have to realize that we cannot control everything that goes on.
I once heard a mate of mine say that people who dwell on the past are just trying to control everything. I think he was right. Sometimes I feel like my sense of independence means that I blame myself too heavily when things go wrong. And that means I am often dwelling on my mistakes.
If you spend a lot of time cursing yourself for things you have done in the past I ask you to go easy on yourself and to stop trying to be so controlling. You cannot control everything. You cannot control everyone. And although you are the one in charge of your destiny there are times when you will be utterly unable to change a set of circumstances. So let it go. You will be glad you did.
Conclusion
Letting go of the past is like lifting a weight off your shoulders. It allows you to move on and make a new life and it stops you from staying stagnant. Like any habit, however, it will be hard to accomplish and it will take a lot of practice. But it is possible to let go of the past and live completely for the present.
Have a Blessed Week
Love & Light
Karen
The Spirit Way
Re-Centering: Finding Your Way Back To The Life You Meant To Live
http://zenhabits.net/re-centering-finding-your-way-back-to-the-life-you-meant-to-live/
Editor’s note: This is a guest post from Eric Hamm of Motivate Thyself.
It’s amazing how far off course we can get when we’re not watching our steps. We just wake up one day and wonder, “Where the heck am I and how did I get so far off my intended path?”
Let’s all take a second and travel back in time to what I like to call our ‘dreaming years‘. This is the time when you’ve first opened your eyes to life as an adult. The world is your oyster and the possibilities, endless. Your desires are strong and yet simple in their structure. The chaos of life has not yet stripped away your clear vision of what a healthy, happy life should be.
For me, this would be right around the time I started my tech consulting business. I was excited about the early successes I was encountering and was just starting to move beyond the paycheck to paycheck lifestyle. I saw great opportunity ahead and started laying out my goals with bated breath.
One day I was walking some laps around my favorite park dreaming of the future. I started working some numbers in my head, thinking of what my possible income might be 5 years into the future. (I wasn’t so much interested in the money as much as the freedom that a healthy income can bring. More time to live the life I desired was what I was after.)
This day dreaming turned into some real goal setting. I did the math, made some assumptions about my business growth and came up with some benchmarks to hit from year to year. I was excited and ready to get to work!
Fast forward 5 years into the future.
My business has grown steadily with hundreds of new clients. My income has almost quadrupled and I’m known in my town for my good service and dependability. I hit my numbers and met my goals. So I’m right where I want to be, right? Wrong!
Why not? I met all my goals. I’ve reached the levels of success in my business that I was only dreaming about 5 years ago. What’s wrong with that?
Life is 3 dimensional while our goals tend to be stuck in 2D.
When I was dreaming that day in the park I had a vision of the future that left out some very important details. I never factored in our natural tendency to always live just beyond our means. Our twisted desire to ‘keep up with the Joneses’. 5 years later I found myself making quadruple the money with quadruple the dept. In other words, I was working that much harder to live in a bigger house with a few more toys. The precious ‘time’ that I was originally after had slipped through my fingers and been replaced by the mirage that is the ‘American Dream’.
So here I am, trying to feel good about my accomplishments, only to look on my desk at the pile of bills staring back at me.
Am I discouraged? Absolutely not! It is only when you are blind to your misdirection that you should be worried.
It’s been a few months since I realized my major miscalculation and I have been working hard to try to find my way back to my original path. Simplicity with a side of family and friends is what I was after and the dream is alive once again!
3 things to remember when setting your goals while dreaming of the future.
1: Life will throw you a curve at least twice a year.
There is no way of telling how often things really don’t go your way, but it seems like every six months or so I find myself in a spot that has knocked me off course. There was nothing I could have done to prevent it. That’s just life.
But if we are not setting our goals with these unforeseen ‘bumps in the road’ in mind, we will only find ourselves soon to be discouraged. So build in a buffer when you set your goals. Make sure you can withstand a few hits now and again without taking on too much water.
2: A penny saved IS a penny earned.
I leaned the hard way that increasing your income is only half the equation. Make sure you are just as aware of the money going out as the money coming in. Second and third guess your major purchases. Ask yourself if it’s truly worth the time you will be trading for the item. As much as I enjoy living in a night bigger house, I would trade it for more ‘time’ any day of the week!
3: Success comes on a curve.
I’ve found that about 75% of my initial income was made fairly easily. Building my business was a steady process that yielded strong, steady growth. But the last 25% is where the real stress comes in. As your goals/needs require you to hit higher and higher marks, you will find that your efforts must increase exponentially. Squeezing all the potential out of any venture requires much more effort than just settling for most of it.
So my advise is to live WELL within your means so you don’t force yourself to hit this drastic increase in effort. I could make a solid living with little effort and a ton of time to spare. But because I went so far off course, I had painted myself into a corner. I was now forced to work much harder to get that last little bit out of my business that my current lifestyle required.
Other goals that can easily be lost in the hustle and bustle of life.
Of course money isn’t everything. For many of us it’s staying in shape and living a healthy life. We aspire to master an instrument or raise a family the best way we know how. These and many other pursuits of life are easily diluted or completely forgotten as time slips away. So it is with great importance and urgency that we open our eyes and take an honest look around us. If we find that our intended path is no where to be found, we must re-center our minds and re-focus our hearts on the vision we once had. Start living your life as you once intended and you will soon find your way back, once again moving in a positive direction.
Have A Blessed Weekend
Love & Light
Karen
The Spirit Way
What You Need to Know Before Living Together
http://psychcentral.com/lib/2011/what-you-need-to-know-before-living-together/all/1/
By: MARGARITA TARTAKOVSKY, M.S.
Over 12 million unmarried Americans are living together in 6 million households, according to the U.S. Census Bureau’s “America’s Families and Living Arrangements: 2007.” With cohabitation so common, it’s easy to think that living together is as simple as merging each other’s things into one household.
It’s anything but. Below, relationship experts weigh in on whether living together is a good idea and how couples can make that decision wisely.
Is Living Together a Smart Move?
Couples therapists have different opinions on whether living together before marriage is a wise decision. For instance, according to Susan Heitler, Ph.D, a Denver clinical psychologist and author of the book The Power of Two: Secrets of a Strong & Loving Marriage, “living together is putting oneself in a very vulnerable position,” especially if kids are involved.
When there isn’t a clear agreement, she says, “anyone can leave at any point.” However, “when there’s a clear commitment [of marriage], you learn to negotiate the rapids and come out on the other side.”
She also says that “there is significant research that the longer a couple lives together before they marry, the higher the odds of getting divorced.” One of the reasons may be that cohabiting without getting married usually means there’s something preventing you from making that commitment, and “pure living together doesn’t take care of” your issues, she says.
According to Robert Solley, Ph.D, a San Francisco clinical psychologist specializing in couples therapy, while “moving in together doesn’t solve anything…it might bring to light things that need to be worked on.”
What’s more, he says that cohabiting “is much more complicated than most articles (and the survey studies themselves) imply.” We just don’t have enough information to make a definitive statement one way or the other, he says. Moving in together without being married isn’t necessarily a sign of problematic underlying issues, he maintains.
There also may be other intervening variables at play, he says. For instance, Solley cites research suggesting that American couples who live together and take premarital education courses or see a counselor may not be at a higher risk for divorce.
When thinking about cohabiting, “The question is not whether the order of events will make a difference in a relationship, it’s how you feel about your relationship,” Solley says. Terri Orbuch, Ph.D, author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great, agrees, saying, “I don’t think the situation should make the decision.” What should, she says, is “your relationship, how you work as a couple, how you feel about one another and how committed you are to each other.”
So moving in together really “depends on the couple and [the] reasons why you’re living together,” she says. Some couples want to cohabit because of convenience (e.g., one partner’s lease is up), saving money or the desire to see where the relationship is going. According to Orbuch, these reasons are not compelling enough to make the move. “You should not say to yourself I’m going to find out ____ by living together,” she explains.
Some experts do believe that living together can reveal whether you’re compatible. NYC-based couples psychologist Michael Batshaw, LCSW, who believes that it’s generally “more helpful to have lived with somebody” before marriage, says that “Certain things are essentially impossible to know in terms of compatibility if you aren’t spending every day with that person.”
On the other hand, Orbuch says that a wise reason to cohabit is “to strengthen a relationship, not to see if you’re compatible,” though she says that she’s known couples who’ve realized they aren’t compatible after living together.
Tips for Making the Decision to Move in
With so many expert opinions on cohabiting, how does a couple know what to do?
While experts may have various perspectives on living together, they all emphasize the importance of making this decision thoughtfully and being on the same page about your life together.
Here’s a list of things to consider before moving in together.
1. Give it enough time before taking the leap.
According to Solley, “it takes at least six months of being together to get through the honeymoon period and start to become more aware of differences that were always there but because of hormonal changes and the general glow of the early phase of courtship are often overlooked or minimized.”
If couples want a marker, a year is a helpful guideline, says Batshaw, also author of 51 Things You Should Know Before Getting Engaged and the forthcoming Things You Need to Know Before Getting Married: The Essential Guide to a Successful Marriage. He says that if you create a risk benefit analysis on cohabiting, waiting “a little bit of extra time doesn’t hurt anyone.” Plus, it gives each partner his or her personal space to process the relationship.
Another advantage of waiting to cohabit is that you have the chance “to build up positive currency with each other in your psyche so that when conflict comes up, it’s balanced with positive interactions,” says Batshaw, who’s leading a NYC seminar this spring on Cutting Through the Obstacles to True Intimacy. This is easier to do when you’re living separately as “living together creates natural conflict.”
2. Talk about your values and beliefs.
It’s important for couples to “flesh out the underlying meanings, values and feelings” about living together, Solley says. You want to really listen to “each other in terms of what each person’s beliefs are and why, and what the feelings (usually fears in this case) are for each.”
He explains, “For example, one person might be afraid that moving in together before engagement would set a ‘partial commitment’ trajectory, or is morally wrong, or would not be accepted by his or her family, whereas the other might fear that engagement before living together would be premature, would not allow a realistic appraisal of their relationship [and so on].”
What about the data on cohabitation and divorce? Solley tells couples to be careful about “using some set of statistics to back up one argument or another. Unless the evidence is really clear-cut (e.g., second hand smoke is bad for babies and kids), third party justification risks short-circuiting the more important fuller discussion of values and feelings.”
3. Ask specific questions.
Solley says that the questions below are helpful to ask in any point of your relationship when considering a long-term commitment (but after the honeymoon period of six months). They may help you figure out if cohabiting is a good decision for you.
How do I feel with this person in general?
Is s/he responsive to me? Does s/he accept influence from me?
Is s/he there when I reach out and need him/her?
Does s/he hear me when I’m scared, hurt or sad, and can s/he help relieve my distress?
Do I feel valued and that what I have to say matters?
Do I feel safe to talk about anything? To say what I really feel or wish for, even if my partner may disagree?
Do we learn from each other and grow as a couple?
Orbuch suggests asking several questions as well, which are the same questions she recommends asking before getting engaged. “Living together is a commitment just like getting engaged and getting married,” she says.
Do you trust each other?
How do the two of you handle conflict?
Do you have similarities in underlying values about topics such as money, religion and children?
4. Do not become financially entangled.
… Says Heitler; Solley agrees, adding, “At the outset, it’s probably wise to keep your money separate and come up with an explicit agreement about how things will be paid for [and] by whom.”
He also suggests talking about your values about money, such as spending versus saving and your priorities for spending.
5. Have a plan.
Talk about “how you each relate to your living space, your daily habits, sorting out roles and responsibilities and all the things that living together bring[s],” Solley says. For some couples, this will be easier, while for others, it’ll take more work.
As Batshaw says, consider the little issues you think are insignificant, because no issue is too small when it comes to daily living.
For instance, you might ask, “Who does what according to what standard? Solley says. “Household tasks can be divided semi-randomly, according to ability, desire, and available time, or by other criteria.”
6. Consider what you’ll do next.
Many people don’t plan for the future, Orbuch says, which can leave partners confused and with different expectations. For instance, without an agreement, after a year, one partner might want to know whether they’re getting married while the other partner has no clue. So talk about how long you’d like to live together before making the decision to get married.
7. Talk about your conflicts.
If there’s an issue that’s bothering you, that holds you back from making your relationship a permanent commitment, “ignoring it isn’t going to make it go away,” says Heitler, who emphasizes the importance of talking about these problems. Like she says above, living together won’t solve your problems. So it’s best to discuss them before the U-Haul arrives.
8. Seek therapy.
If you’re struggling with certain issues as a couple or want general guidance to help you figure out the future, consider seeing a therapist who specializes in working with couples.
According to Solley, “On average couples wait six years after problems start before getting help, which makes it harder to turn things around. The sooner you admit to yourself that you’d like things to be better, the more likely you’ll be able to have the relationship you want.”
Also, keep in mind that if you’ve already tried to get help, it isn’t that your problems are impossible, but it may be that the therapist “didn’t have the skill set that you needed, so find someone else,” Heitler says.
The question of living together is a complex one, and the above are guidelines in helping couples to make that decision thoughtfully. Undeniably, relationships as a whole are complex and operate on many different levels, Solley says.
Have a Blessed Day
Love & Light
Karen
The Spirit Way
On Being Stuck
http://www.sensitiveperson.com/stuck.htm
By: Thomas Eldridge
Why is it that we can find ourselves in a situation we would rather not be in but we can’t seem to change it? It could be a relationship that is not a happy and fulfilling partnership but we just can’t leave it, or it could be an unsatisfying job, yet we don’t update our resume. Sometimes it’s an apartment or neighborhood that’s uncomfortable for us but we cannot find the energy to go out looking for something that suits our style or safety needs. Maybe it is a health problem like an addiction that we can’t find the self-discipline to begin working on. And there is that creative project in the desk drawer that we think about once in a while but don’t spend any time on, or the room that needs painting or the car that needs servicing or your teeth that need new fillings.
We may say that we are just too busy with the everyday demands of living, and that there are too many people needing our time and attention, or that our energy levels are too low. All of this is true, especially as the Information Age inundates our lives with a seemingly never-ending stream of diversions and distractions. Most of the time, the best we can do is to try to keep up with things or handle whichever is most urgent at the moment. These streams of events then shape our lifestyles and, as a result, the time-consuming and energy-draining impact of our fast-paced culture goes ignored or unnoticed.
We can feel even more overwhelmed, paralyzed and energy drained than most people because of our sensitivity. All the outside over-stimulating factors may take over our central nervous system at an intensifying rate. We may feel so bombarded with these outside influences that we feel like we have no options, can see no options, even forgetting that options exist. Then we feel that we are stuck in whatever situation we may find ourselves, immobilized and depressed. We may even forget to breathe deeply enough for our body to function optimally.
Another explanation is our lack of values around our personal well being. Making do with what you have is easier than expressing your values. Instead, we express our unconscious fears that say “be thankful for what you have”, “this relationship is better than no relationship”, or “this job is an improvement over the last job I had.”
You may be metaphysically oriented and find yourself using phrases like “There is a reason this person is in my life,” or “I have this boss, these parents, children because it is an opportunity to grow or to learn something.” Or how about, “I am building soul strength, releasing karma, or going through a spiritual initiation that is taking me several lifetimes.” This kind of evaluation can be very helpful after one is no longer stuck in a situation. It is totally possible to be going through a soul transformation that needs time to cook long enough before the person can come out of the stew pot. In this kind of process infinite patience is required while the soul restructures or reorganizes itself.
Sensitive people in particular are very much in tune with other people’s feelings. Consequently we are very adept at imagining how painful it would be to them if we asked for what we really would like. Rather than risk hurting anyone, giving what has been expected of us all these years has, in a sense, been a much more peaceful approach. “No one has ever been disappointed with me, not even myself.” You may have created the perfect home, family or social position that everyone admires, but inside you are just plain tired from all this effort in behalf of everybody else. Then there are the financial considerations that can be foreseen if you leave this marriage. “Can I afford the child support or the rent?” What about the consequences at the office if you leave. “How will they get along without me?”
In all of these instances, what is really being considered, either consciously or unconsciously, is that staying stuck is actually a way of feeling secure or comfortable–an important issue for anyone but particularly so for the highly sensitive person. If we are avoiding conflict we simply create more inner conflict because our truth isn’t spoken or expressed. If we desire true self-actualization, eventually we must come to face the realization that what is at stake–our hopes, our dreams, and our goals, is more important than our need for safety.
Have a Blessed Day
Love & Light
Karen
The Spirit Way
Feeling Stuck? 100 Ways to Change Your Life
http://www.wisebread.com/feeling-stuck-100-ways-to-change-your-life
By: Nora Dunn
You’ve got 20 minutes to change your life in 100 ways. Go.
This is the premise of an exercise I tried once, when I was feeling stuck in life. I wasn’t sure what was amiss, but the routine I had fallen into was not satisfying the inner voice in me that insisted there was something else out there for me. (See also: Change Your Life With Storytelling)
After trying (forcefully) to understand what was going on, reading self-help books, filling out aptitude tests, and working with business and life coaches, I was given a suggestion that became a catalyst for some pretty big personal changes.
Here is how you can change your life in 20 minutes, step by step:
Clear all distractions. Turn off the phone, the TV, the computer. Lock your door, and go to a quiet place.
Sit down comfortably at a desk or table, with a blank piece of paper and a pen in front of you.
Set a timer for 20 minutes.
Go. Write down 100 things you want to do. Or careers you want to have. Or people you would like to meet. The sky is the limit.
Don’t be realistic. Dream big. Write down the craziest things you can think of, as well as the things that you don’t even think bear mentioning because they are so simple. Write it all down.
Work quickly. 20 minutes isn’t very long, and you have 100 items to get through, if you can. Don’t think about whether or not to write down an idea — just write. Write everything that comes to mind, even if it doesn’t make sense. Just keep on writing, and don’t stop until that timer goes off.
Something happens after about 10 or 15 minutes if you employ the exercise to its full potential. You stop caring about what specifically the ideas are, and you start to release an inner creativity that may have been locked away for a while. In an effort to get through 100 things in 20 minutes, you start to write outlandish things down that you aren’t even really sure you want, but that are ideas that came to you nonetheless.
Ding! The timer goes off. No matter where you are in the process, or how many items you have written down, stop. (OK, if you are really on a roll and have a few more to write down because the juices are flowing, keep going. I won’t tell.)
Leave the list alone for a day. Try not to look at it, and certainly don’t revise it in any way. The following day, sit down and look at your list. How many of the items on it are feasible? Can you see your way to accomplishing any of it? Did anything come out of the list that you hadn’t actually really thought of until you wrote it down in a hurried attempt to get to 100 items in the time limit? Any surprises in there?
The point of this exercise is not to create a giant and outlandish “to-do” list that never gets ticked off. Instead, it is simply to open up your mind to the idea that anything is possible, and to give you ideas that will help you to become unstuck in life.
Personally, after feeling stuck and making out my list, I identified a few ways to make positive changes in my life at the time; I joined Toastmasters because an item I wrote down was to become a public speaker. I also eventually started a blog to satisfy an inner wordsmith in me that has blossomed into a career. And ultimately, the list helped lead me to the decision to sell off everything I owned to live out my dreams of travel and adventure now.
And it all started with 20 minutes and 100 ways to change my life.
Have a Blessed Week
Love & Light
Karen
The Spirit Way
How To Deal With Challenges And Struggles In Life
We can all use help from time to time, I hope you find this helpful!!
By: http://aboutlovelifehappiness.blogspot.com/2011/02/dealing-with-challenges-and-struggles.html
Sorry for delay in this post, reason being love, she seldom permit my heart to do anything else. Let’s start discussion on our topic how to deal with challenges and struggles in life. From previous post recall that challenges can be put into three categories for convenience. Each type presents different type of requirements and hence to win over we need to be specific in approach. Our approach for dealing with challenges and struggles should be customized to degree and requirement of particular challenge. (Please make sure to read previous post titled “Various challenges and struggles – understand them first” for proper understanding of topic).
Now before we start discussion on approaches for each type of challenge we need to work on some common ground first. I mean to say that though when dealing with particular type of challenge or struggle there should be specific strategy, but there are some very important things which I want you to know as a common preparation for any kind of challenge, these will immensely help in dealing with any of the kind of challenge or struggle. The things we need to understand in common are follows:
Position of struggle in life
Do some people have to struggle more and why?
Darwin’s theory
Difference between loss and struggle
POSITION OF STRUGGLE IN LIFE
First of these and in my view most important is to understand the position of struggle in life. If we do not know how struggle is related to life then it becomes harder dealing with. Now to understand this relation we should ask ourselves the question. What do I think about challenges and struggles in my life? Now answer this question. What is your answer? Do you think that struggles in your life are more than most of other people or do you think that you are unlucky Or do you think that you are less able/weak compared to other people so it is difficult for you to deal with challenges? Well your answers could be other way; you may be an optimist or simply may be lucky enough. Whatever presently you think about life now I would like you to take home one point, you must understand that life is synonymous with struggle. Now if you don’t agree on that am going to prove now.
It is not hard to prove that. If you are a person who watch wildlife programmers on discovery channel it is quite possible that you may have noticed how many animals in wild struggle daily to get food and keep their life safe. If you watch discovery you can recall many such instances. Here I present one, there was prolonged drought in the particular part of jungle, vegetation died, and herbivores were struggling to find green grass and other vegetation for food. As food and water become scarce in such conditions animals begun to die of hunger and to search for green pastures is the only option left. Animals leave their area and walk long distances in search of vegetation. First herbivores leave the place followed by carnivores. In this instance though water was available to animals because of a river that passed through (Of course origin of river was at some distance place). That river was full of crocodiles, zebras knew that crocodiles were waiting for them but they also knew if they don’t cross they will never reach the food and will die of hunger. When no option is left every life has to go the way that is available, so zebras fully knowing that life was in danger crossed the river. Many of them got seriously injured by crocodiles attack and many others became lunch for crocodiles (Yep! they were crossing in noon).
My point that life is struggle is not based on this instance only, if you observe you will find instances everywhere in world proving that life is struggle.
Come to us human beings; observe your life and life of others, what you notice? You will notice that we human beings are usually more lucky than poor animals, most of animals daily struggle in jungle to keep their life safe, we also do take precautions to keep our life safe but we don’t struggle for that (We have a system to maintain law and order, which offcourse do not work well in mant parts of world). You need not worry while eating that someone might attack you anytime. So we human beings usually don’t have to struggle like animals but still we have to. Ok, am making it clear, while animals in wild struggle to survive, humans usually struggle to do better. A deer eat grass as it is and fill his stomach while we humans will always like to have more choices and delicious menus. So nature of our struggle usually differs from animals in wild. (Note here that still vast number of people in the world die of hunger and struggle daily for survival, so their life is not better than wild. We as a society still have much to improve, so as to ensure food and humane living conditions for every being).
Let me take you thousands of year back when humans were also wild animals. Those times even we humans had to face similar struggles and challenges. It is intellect of humans that has now made us a well developed society as compared to other animals on the earth. We developed as societies, so do our aspirations grew, and so different become the nature of struggles and challenges we face today.
We have developed as societies and so nature of struggles and challenges have changed. Struggles and challenges have evolved in nature but note that they still are always part of our lives. The first point I want you to accept is that if there is life there is always chance of a struggle. If you are not struggling or facing any challenge now, be ready as it can come knocking any time, small or big. If you accept that struggle and challenges are reality and part of life than it will help.
Point 1: Struggle is part of life, real fact, don’t escape.
WHY SOME PEOPLE HAVE TO STRUGGLE MORE
Now I come to second point here we will discuss about whether some people need to struggle more than others and if yes then why?
Answer is not complicated, and it is yes, many people do have to struggle more than others. As I have written above that still many humans have to struggle for survival and to meet there basic needs. So humans do face different type of challenges and to a different degree. Everyone does not get same opportunities and facilities. Some do enjoy the luxuries while others do yearn for food daily.
Now we come to why? The answer lies in three words viz. opportunity, ability and will.
Opportunities: We noted above that some people have easy access to luxuries while others toil hard for basic needs. This is nothing but can be said as difference in opportunities. We have to accept that life do not offer equal opportunities to all. Some get more than you while many others less than you. So accept it that you can lie anywhere in the range. There is no point in complaining that you get less, if you got less mind one thing that you need to struggle hard and crying will not do anything for you.
Ability: Next thing which make a difference is ability, naturally some people are more able than others at certain things. All have strengths and weaknesses, identifying them and working accordingly with planning and dedication can take you to winning side. If you go with natural strengths better will be the chances of your success.
Will: Now the most important thing of all three is will. It is what you can call a wonder card. Without will to win over challenges even best of opportunities and talent will go to drain. Will is what can make less able man to do better than more talented or blessed one. If you have strong will power you can do wonders. Will do increase the ability and open doors of opportunities, keep it in mind for any kind of challenge or struggle in life.
Point 2: We have got different opportunities and abilities but it is will that could make real difference.
DARWIN’S THEORY
Darwin’s theory: Survival of fittest by Charles Darwin, we have read and heard of it many times. Let me put in very simple words. It says those who evolve better to suit the changes, to suit the surroundings, to suit the environment are more likely to survive. In our perspective simply put the theory in every struggle or challenge we do face. It says nothing but that if we want to overcome challenges or struggles in life we need to be strong. We should be flexible enough to accommodate the demands or requirements of the challenges. If we do that only we will succeed in winning them over. No matter challenge is aspiration, forced or emotional type. We will overcome it only if we grew in strength.
Point 3: Stay fit to fight better
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LOSS AND STRUGGLE
Sometimes we do take struggle as loss and vice versa. Always keep in mind, loss is something that can’t be replenished or say that could not be regained because it do not exist anymore. Say loss of a dearly loved relative is loss, a permanent disability is loss. In condition of loss there is no scope of regaining the thing lost. In such cases only option left is to accept the reality and harmonize with life accepting that loss. Here in this post and last one all observations that have been made are for struggles and challenges. Struggle is for something that can be achieved or gained with effort. When I am talking about overcoming challenges, am talking about something that is possible. When am talking about struggle or challenge, dealing with them will involve both emotional and other efforts while loss has to be dealt emotionally only. We can discuss loss in some separate post altogether but at the point keep in mind that I mean different things when I say loss or struggle.
I wanted to finish the topic of struggles and challenges in this post itself but it need more time and effort than I anticipated. So in this post we develop common ground for dealing with all types of challenges. In next post to be published soon we will discuss how to deal specifically with each type. I hope that next one will be final in the series.
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Have a Blessed Weekend
Love & Light
Karen
The Spirit Way
thespiritwaytoday
