Monthly Archives: May 2011
Learn To Communicate
Communicating correctly in a relationship is vital to the health of that relationship. I read through this site and found that it has excellent information to help people communicate better in a relationship. I hope you find it helpful!!
http://powertochange.com/sex-love/communicate/
Written by Geri Forsberg PhD
Can you imagine what your life would be like if you couldn’t communicate? That means no tone of voice, no body language or facial expressions, no words, no alphabet. Nothing.
Effective skills in communication are necessary to maintain and increase the quality of our lives. If we can’t communicate effectively, we will be led in a direction we don’t want to go. We all have misunderstandings within our relationships. And it would be very easy to become confused, frustrated and disappointed simply because we are unable to communicate appropriately.
Broken and difficult relationships can be avoided by understanding the principles of communication, and the pitfalls we encounter.
When we know and understand the process of communication, we can actively implement the principles, hone our skills, avoid the problems and become the effective communicators that we all desire to be.
Love without limits: Its true source
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The language we use to symbolize reality is incomplete.
We will always leave something out when we’re retelling a story because we can never say everything about something. And the words we choose to describe something are not reality. They are our understanding of reality.
Do you remember the telephone game from elementary school? One child whispered a message to the next, who then passed it on down the line. By the time the message was spoken aloud at the end of its trip, it varied immensely. Why? Because each child understood the message differently and passed on what she thought were the important details.
How do we avoid the pitfall of miscommunication reality?
Be careful in the words you choose. Be sure they symbolize what you really mean. And when you’re communicating with someone, ask questions to clarify what the person really intends to say. If you are unsure about what your colleague means when he tells you he doesn’t feel well, ask. Find out what his reality is.
What do you do if someone gets angry at you and says, “You’re all alike. I just can’t stand it.” The simplest and most natural thing to do is to react because she is angry. But imagine what would happen if you ask a simple question like, “What do you mean, we’re all alike? What can’t you stand?” Those questions and a few extra minutes allows the angry person to elaborate on her sentiments and inform you directly what is the matter. Then you can respond more appropriately.
We all see the world differently.
How we encounter the world has been influenced by who we are, our backgrounds, our education, our values and beliefs, our needs, positions, jobs, and more. In other words, we each see the world through our own set of lenses.
To become better at communicating, and to understand others’ perceptions, we need to ask questions. We need to listen. Learn to delay your reaction until you have more information so you don’t form inaccurate assumptions.
In the real world everything is extremely complex. With language, we simplify it by categorizing our words and ideas, and often the categories are either/or opposites.
In the process of simplifying things, we omit details, forget differences, ignore uniquenesses, and eliminate the various levels of meaning. When we view life through such a narrow spectrum, thinking that life is as simple as an “either/or” situation, communication breakdowns are bound to occur.
So, to guard against these pitfalls, we need to develop an open mind with each other and within our relationships. If you believe that reality is as simple as hot or cold, then you can only accept someone and accept what they say or you have to reject that person and reject what they say. However, if you have an open mind, you have more options.
In the real world everything occurs within a context.
We have probably all been misunderstood or had misunderstandings when something has been taken out of its original context.
Although we don’t fully understand how much our environment influences us, we need to consider that when we communicate. We must be able to understand the context of our own communication. And we must understand that every message we receive has its own context. By understanding these foundational principles of communication, we can avoid and even solve our communication woes.
With those principles in mind, here are five things you can begin to do today to help you become a better communicator:
Ask questions. Don’t assume you understand what a person means. Once you ask a few questions, it doesn’t take long to really find out what she really means.
Listen. To become a better communicator, you must be willing to listen so you can understand the other person’s perspective.
Observe and be willing to verify the information you receive.
Let people know what you are thinking by sharing it. By disclosing information about yourself, it aids the other person in understanding who you are and how you are understanding them.
Remember that love covers a multitude of sins. If your motives are wanting to understand people and accept them for who they are, then communication will be easier. But if you set out to convince them that your way is the right way, then that’s not communication. And that’s not love.
Take some time to think about a specific communication problem (difficulty, challenge) you have had recently or in the past.
In a few sentences, describe the problem.
In what environment (context) did this communication problem occur? (home, extended family, workplace, other)
Was the communication problem resolved? If so, was it resolved to everyone’s satisfaction? How was the communication problem resolved?
What principles of communication could help you with this situation or other communication challenges in the future?
Now ask yourself some tough questions about how you communicate.
Am I seeking to understand the person?
Am I listening and really hearing what he is saying?
Am I expressing my own point of view so she understands what I mean?
Is there anything I’m doing in my nonverbal communication (tone of voice, body language, etc.) that I don’t intend to communicate?
Am I making a quick judgment without examining the facts?
Am I trying to see things from many different angles or am I just looking at things in an either/or fashion?
Am I adjusting my own communication patterns to suit the person I’m dealing with?
Developing your communication skills and abilities is a lifelong process. Throughout our lives we are faced with challenges in communicating effectively. You can learn to be a more effective communicator by:
Observing and imitating excellent communicators.
Learning from your own and others’ mistakes.
Developing a conscious awareness of communication habits, patterns, styles, strengths, weaknesses.
Applying principles of effective communication.
Have a blessed day
Love & Light
Karen
Forgiveness: Letting go of Grudges and Bitterness
Another wonderful site today. Forgiveness can be very difficult but it is also very necessary to live a happy life. Check out this site and see for yourself all the health and mental reasons it’s necessary to forgive!!
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/forgiveness/MH00131
When someone you care about hurts you, you can hold on to anger, resentment and thoughts of revenge — or embrace forgiveness and move forward.
By Mayo Clinic staff
Katherine Piderman, Ph.D.
Nearly everyone has been hurt by the actions or words of another. Perhaps your mother criticized your parenting skills or your partner had an affair. These wounds can leave you with lasting feelings of anger, bitterness and even vengeance — but if you don’t practice forgiveness, you may be the one who pays most dearly. By embracing forgiveness, you embrace peace, hope, gratitude and joy.
Here, Katherine Piderman, Ph.D., staff chaplain at Mayo Clinic, Rochester, Minn., discusses forgiveness and how it can lead you down the path of physical, emotional and spiritual well-being.
What is forgiveness?
Generally, forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge. The act that hurt or offended you may always remain a part of your life, but forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, positive parts of your life. Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you deny the other person’s responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn’t minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life.
What are the benefits of forgiving someone?
Letting go of grudges and bitterness makes way for compassion, kindness and peace. Forgiveness can lead to:
Healthier relationships
Greater spiritual and psychological well-being
Less stress and hostility
Lower blood pressure
Fewer symptoms of depression, anxiety and chronic pain
Lower risk of alcohol and substance abuse
Why is it so easy to hold a grudge?
When you’re hurt by someone you love and trust, you may become angry, sad or confused. If you dwell on hurtful events or situations, grudges filled with resentment, vengeance and hostility may take root. If you allow negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you may find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of injustice.
What are the effects of holding a grudge?
If you’re unforgiving, you may pay the price repeatedly by bringing anger and bitterness into every relationship and new experience. Your life may become so wrapped up in the wrong that you can’t enjoy the present. You may become depressed or anxious. You may feel that your life lacks meaning or purpose, or that you’re at odds with your spiritual beliefs. You may lose valuable and enriching connectedness with others.
How do I reach a state of forgiveness?
Forgiveness is a commitment to a process of change. A way to begin is by recognizing the value of forgiveness and its importance in your life at a given time. Then reflect on the facts of the situation, how you’ve reacted, and how this combination has affected your life, health and well-being. When you’re ready, actively choose to forgive the person who’s offended you. Move away from your role as victim and release the control and power the offending person and situation have had in your life. As you let go of grudges, you’ll no longer define your life by how you’ve been hurt. You may even find compassion and understanding.
Have a blessed weekend
Love & Light
Karen
Smiling :)
Smiling is contagious!! Its so much better for you than frowning. Try one time when you are feeling down to smile at someone and see what it does for you. Just try one time and see if it doesn’t start to make you feel better. This site has some tips on how to have a better smile and how you can smile more often. Check it out!!
Todays post are some fun and interesting facts about smiling and how wonderful it can be for YOU!!
http://www.brightsmilebeautifulyou.com/self/smiling_facts/index.html
Top 10 Surprising Facts About Smiling
BY: STELLA KATSIPOUTIS
Most likely, the last thing you think about when you’re posing for your latest Facebook shot is the science behind your smile. But the truth is, there’s a lot more to a smile than meets the eye. Read on for 10 little-known facts that will have you beaming.
Fact No. 1: Smiling has body benefits.
Every time you frown, you’re unnecessarily exhausting 43 facial muscles, while smiling only uses 17 muscles. Some studies show that beaming can benefit your blood pressure levels. Add a laugh and you’ll also slim your middle — the movement exercises your abs, diaphragm, shoulders and heart. Scientists at Vanderbilt University found that laughing can stoke your calorie burn by up to 20 percent.
Fact No. 2: Grinning is human.
One thing that separates us from animals may be our ability to accessorize, but it’s also our capacity to smile. We don’t learn how to smile from our surroundings; rather, it’s a natural mechanism that’s hardwired in us from birth. Studies have shown that newborn babies crack their first grin as early as two hours after delivery.
Fact No. 3: Women are more likely to smile.
Fact: The average woman smiles approximately 62 times a day. In that same day, a man only flashes his pearly whites a mere eight times. Interestingly enough, a study at Yale University found that the difference declines when the two genders share the same occupation. Why? The researchers believe that it could be because every workplace has an unspoken “smiling standard” that’s followed by all employees.
Fact No. 4: There are different types of smiles.
Happiness isn’t the only thing we can express when we turn up the corners of our mouths. During his research at the University of California, San Francisco, scientist Paul Ekman discovered that people smile 19 different ways, depending on social situations and emotions, including fear, grief and hatred. All types fall under two larger categories: heartfelt and artificial. You can differentiate the two: Sincere smiles cause the corners of your eyes to scrunch up — insincere smiles don’t.
Fact No. 5: Beauty comes from a smile.
When asked to select more attractive counterparts, study participants at Scotland’s University of Aberdeen pointed to those people who were beaming. In another recent lab report, 69 percent of those asked said that women look younger and more attractive when they wear a smile rather than makeup.
Fact No. 6: Smiling leads to a longer life.
Research conducted at the University of Illinois has suggested that people who generally feel happy and smile more often have a longer life expectancy of nearly a decade. Another study looked at baseball cards. The Wayne State University scientists concluded that those athletes who were flashing their pearly whites in their pictures lived on average seven years longer than those who didn’t.
Fact No. 7: Healthy marriage from a happy smile.
People who grin consistently are more likely to have healthy marriages, say researchers at DePauw University in Indiana. Some say it’s because smilers can more easily express their emotions, and others think that people who smile often attract happier people, allowing them to form stronger, more positive connections.
Fact No. 8: Smiling releases endorphins.
Research shows that the simple act of turning your mouth up, whether authentic or not, can help release endorphins, feel-good hormones. Serotonin, a chemical that’s a natural stress-reducer, is also increased when you smile.
Fact No. 9: Fight a cold with a grin.
Cut down on those sick days by plastering a big, cheesy grin on your face. Every time you flash your teeth, your body produces greater quantities of antibodies and T-cells (or white blood cells), which may give your immune system a huge power boost.
Fact No. 10: Smiling is contagious.
During an experiment conducted in Sweden, participants reported that they found it very difficult to frown when they saw other participants who were smiling. Many began to turn their mouths up without even realizing it. Start smiling and the whole world will smile with you.
Have a blessed day
Love & Light
Karen
How to Keep a Relationship
This website is wonderful. It lays out step by step instructions on what to do to maintain a healthy relationship. It speaks to a romantic relationship but these steps can work for any relationship that you have. I hope that you Enjoy this site, I know that I did!!!
http://thinksimplenow.com/relationships/how-to-keep-a-relationship/
“When it comes to love, you need not fall but rather surrender, surrender to the idea that you must love yourself before you can love another. You must absolutely trust yourself before you can absolutely trust another and most importantly you must accept your flaws before you can accept the flaws of another.“
~ Philosophy: Falling in Love
Remember the last time you got in a fight or argument with your significant other? Wasn’t it frustrating? Wasn’t it painful? Was it necessary? What can we do to best deal with these situations without ruining our relationships?
Relationships with our spouses and girl/boy-friends can be one of the most rewarding aspects of our lives. We hold a special place for that someone with whom we’ve shared countless moments of joy. Personality differences are inevitable, and what makes us unique as individuals can result in disagreements and conflicts during our relationship.
When these disagreements are not properly understood and managed emotionally, trivial exchanges can stir into full-on battles, and possibly end what we’ve spent months or years to build.
Yes, there are relationships where personalities are mismatched and breakups are beneficial. However, many breakups are unnecessary, as a result of built up anger and destructive cycles. When they happen, we experience a tremendous amount of pain and emotional hurt.
By facing our partners with awareness and a genuine desire for understanding, I believe that we hold the key to wellness in these special relationships.
My Personal Story
I’ve had my share of hurt feelings and failed relationships. What I’ve learned is that we do not plan fights with our loved ones, they tend to surface when we are least expecting it, and they hurt. Here’s a personal story from my own experience:
Valentine’s day, 2008. Adam and I had spent a beautiful day on a slice of heaven known as Alleppey in Kerala, India. We stayed in a sweet little bamboo hut along the river. We awoke in the morning to the sound of roosters and black birds, and were surrounded by utter calmness and endless fields of green palm trees. A picture perfect day spent filled with love and the gifts of nature.
The next day, we arose feeling a little agitated due to the heat, dehydration and travel stress. I felt uneasy with the remainder of our trip unplanned, and I cracked and threw a hissy fit. Adam was frustrated by being away from our familiar conveniences. Our hormones boiled and we found ourselves in a very emotional ‘fight’, or rather a day of tense silence.
Isn’t it ironic? Within a matter of 12 hours, a harmonious relationship turned suddenly rocky. Don’t they always happen that way?
Once we started talking openly and candidly, we were able to bounce out of the negative communication pattern and bring awareness into the situation. We turned two self-serving egos battling to-be-right, into an opportunity for mutual growth and personal transformation. The experience had brought us closer as partners and we were able to understand how to better handle such situations in the future.
This article shares what we’ve learned after some hours of introspective questioning on the topic of relationship miscommunication. What we’ve learned has proven wonders for our relationship.
The Truth
Before digging into ways we can overcome arguments, disagreements and fights from a relationship, let’s have a closer look at what happens when we are in this uncomfortable state. The following are some insights we’ve observed from our argument patterns.
Playing the Crying Baby – We take turns becoming a baby. At any one point during a fight, one of us is calm, while the other turns into a baby. That person becomes irrational, severely emotional, whiny and defensive. They say things that are regretted later. Once the baby finishes expressing him or herself, slowly rises on become clam, the role switches and the other person becomes the crying baby.
Attention, Appreciation, Acknowledgement – When we fall into the crying baby state, we are really seeking attention, acknowledgement, appreciation and care. The root for our emotional reaction when we are in this state is seeking reinforcement for why we matter.
Selfish & Self-Serving – When our inner baby subsumes us, we are selfish and self-serving. We cannot understand why our partner does not sympathize. The more we try to express ourselves, the less they seem to tune into what is bothering us. In this state, we lack the capacity to consider our partner’s feelings, and forget that they too are hurt.
Victim Mindset – When we become a baby, we feel that we are the victim. Our mind is focused on seeking evidence that support our victim story. By doing so, the other person becomes the unreasonable one. Once we find our evidence, we start playing scenes of ourselves as the victim, and we play this on repeat. We feel pain in our hearts, and we seek more pain and more reasons for pain. In some unconscious way, we enjoy this pain because it allows us to play the victim role, thus feeding our fears that life is full of painful relationships and no one truly understands us.
Right & Wrong – Superficially, the battle can be distilled down to who is right. We believe that we are right and we must prove that the other person is wrong. The disagreement quickly turns into a battle of the egos. In this state, we have a strong urge to prove to the other person that we are right, after all.
Bottled Emotions – As the crying baby, we express purely the self-serving thoughts that arise in our minds. The emotions bottled deep inside us are causing those thoughts, but they are often unrelated to the situation. Having bottled emotions does not mean that we cannot communicate our feelings. Often times, we are not even conscious of these feelings until they manifest into our lives. For example, we go out to watch a movie, but we really didn’t want to go see the movie to begin with, so we unconsciously sabotage the movie outing with a problem: complaining about bad seats, or complaining that the ticket line is too long.
Alternative Meaning – We collect words expressed by the other person, jump to conclusions, and assume the worst. We find a meaning that serves us but is not the true meaning of their words in that moment. We tell ourselves that this meaning is the absolute meaning, and is definite and permanent. Truth is, when we are irrational, we say all sorts of things we don’t mean out of heightened emotions.
Differences Between the Sexes – Men are just as emotional and sensitive as women. The difference is in the way that men and women express themselves, and this is often misunderstood. Here are some differences we’ve observed. Keep in mind the following three things while reading: 1.) I realize that this is a generalization, so bear with me. 2) When I speak about “women”, I am referring to feminine qualities and tendencies instead of the gender. Similarly, when I mention “men”, I am referring to masculine qualities. It is possible for a woman to have more traditionally masculine qualities and vice-versa. 3) I am using male- female couple in the examples, but this is applicable to same sex couples as well.
As women, we tend to hide our inner thoughts. When we are upset about something, we assume that the other person is a mind-reader and should know exactly what we are thinking without telling them. We throw hints by being upset and frustrated. This is extremely frustrating for men (or other women), since they want to help, but cannot seem to get anywhere and cannot understand why we are so upset. At the sight of our partner not picking up on our clues, we get even more upset and hurt.
As men, we tend to be more verbal, we think out loud. We may internalize some or all of our feelings, but our thoughts are externalized through speaking or writing. Because we speak our thoughts, we often get in trouble with the women in our lives, since she can be hurt by what we say. Society has trained us to have an alpha-male ego, which acts like a wall defending the integrity and strength of our character. This strength defines us and our thoughts, keeping our less-than-rock-steady emotions well guarded. We are actually highly perceptive and more sensitive than society gives us credit for. We can easily sense when our women are unhappy and we want to help by making her happy again. But she remains upset and assumes that we are mind-readers. But we just don’t know what she is thinking. This is really painful. We wish she just told us exactly what we can do to make her happy again.
The Solutions
It is inevitable that partners are going to have different opinions, and everyone has days where their emotions can get the better of them. The problem is not that we have conflicts with our partner, the problem lies in the way we handle the situation. When our egos get in the way, our mind becomes clouded and we end up making mountains out of mole hills.
Some of us use these conflicts as an opportunity to answer: Is my relationship stronger than the problem? They use the situation as a way to measure the relationship stability. They fail to see that this question itself causes conflict, since it forces comparison. Instead, a more effective question to ask is: Are we mature enough as people to resolve the conflict with consideration, awareness and grace?
The following are some pointers that have proven to be effective in our relationship:
1. Awareness – Bringing awareness into the situation. Become the observer of your thoughts, your emotions, your needs, and your ego. Ask yourself,
What is it I want at this moment?
Is what I want from my heart or filtered by my ego?
Will getting what I want help me become a better person?
Will getting what I want bring happiness and fulfillment to me and those around me?
What are the most important aspects in my life? Does getting this fit into my values?
2. Express, Don’t Suppress – Speak candidly and freely. Yes, the truth can hurt, but if you take responsibility for your words and speak with respect for the other person, the honestly and sincerity from your message will shine through. The other person will deeply appreciate you for it. Honestly not only releases your mental load, but also helps mutual understanding.
3. Recognize the Crying Baby – By bringing awareness into a situation, we will get better at recognizing when our partner is in the crying baby state. When they are in a baby state, it is highly beneficial if we remain calm. Don’t take what they say personally during this state, they don’t mean it.
4. How to Calm the Baby – The crying baby state is a primal state. We become irrational and unreasonable. We feel like we’re a little kid again crying for attention. With this in mind, what can our partner do to calm us when we ourselves are in a baby state? Sit down with your partner ahead of time to openly discuss what would make them feel better when they are this baby state? For example, to calm the baby in me, I would love to be held and caressed. To calm the baby in Adam, he wants to be focused on deep breath to draw out of that state of mind. What will calm the baby in you?
5. Pattern Interrupt – When we repeatedly do something, it becomes a habit. Instead of giving in to a comfortable action that doesn’t give you the result you want, interrupt that pattern by doing something (shockingly) unrelated or random. When you feel yourself going down a negative spiral, get up and do 10 jumping jacks with exaggerated movements, make funny faces, do a happy dance around the living room. This will help to bounce you out of that state of mind.
6. “Look into my Eyes” – If you see that your partner is in an irrational baby state or is upset, ask them to look into your eyes, even for just 30 seconds. When they are looking at your eyes, look back into their eyes and imagine passing an infinite amount of love towards them. Through their eyes, look for their soul. You may be upset too, just surrender to the moment, take some deep breaths, and focus only on their eyes and how beautiful they are.
7. Breathing – Close your eyes and focus on your breath. Take a few deep breaths and continue to breathe normally. Continue to do this for at least 5-10 minutes. Draw your focus into your lungs expanding and contracting. Feel the energy the air brings. As you change your focus, you will also change your mindset.
8. Ask yourself: “Am I arguing so that I could win the battle?” – If the answer is yes, ask yourself whether winning this battle will make a difference in your life in 40 years? How about tomorrow?
9. Ask yourself: “What is it about myself that I don’t like?” – Oftentimes, the arguments we get into are simply an extension of ourselves, though we may not realize it until we reflect at a later time. When we find ourselves jumping quickly into judging other people, we are really projecting what we dislike about ourselves on to that person. Observing our thoughts and behaviors toward others can expose our own insecurities on the subject matter.
10. Try on Different Shoes – Imagine yourself in your partner’s shoes. To the best of your ability, feel the pain the other person is experiencing. How does it feel? What is your new perspective like? For a few seconds, pretend that “Me” does not exist, and that you are now the other person. Experience their words and feelings as if your own. This simple exercise helps to give you compassion and consideration towards another’s point of view.
11. “How it made me feel.” – When communicating your points of view, always speak in terms of how something made you feel. Example, “When I didn’t hear from you, it made me feel that I was not important.”. Expressing how something made us feel instead of what we think they did wrong, reduces their instinctive need to feel defensive. When people are not on the fence about something, they are more likely to listen and be more willing to resolve an issue.
12. Step Out, Cool Off – Go to a different room, separate yourself for a few minutes to gain perspective and clarity. Do some deep breathing exercises. Re-group yourself and bring awareness into the situation. Regain a clear grasp of what is most important to you, and reevaluate whether the “fight” is worth battling.
13. Listen – Listen to the other person. Really listen to them. Give them the respect that you would like to have, give them a chance to speak without judging them. Surrender to the moment and just be there. Listen to them as if you were listening to yourself. Listen to them in the way you want to be listened to.
14. Forgive & Accept – Remember that inside, we are all good people. Really, we were all born innocent, loving, kind and generous. See the light in them, as you too have that light within yourself.
15. Apologize & Explain – Say I’m sorry and show that you mean it by explaining why you are sorry. Don’t be shy or let your pride get in the way. Life is short, do the right thing, instead of the thing right for your ego.
16. Relinquish Defensiveness – Relinquish the need to be defensive. Listen when the other person express their feelings. Don’t treat their expression as criticism, listen with acceptance and a genuine desire to love them. This is not a power struggle, it is a conversation. Your partner’s expression of their feelings and needs has nothing to do with you. And don’t tell the other person, “Stop being so defensive”.
17. Focus on What They Did Well – When we are upset with our partners, we tend to focus on what they did wrong, and qualities we believe to be character flaws. “What we focus on expands.“, and these qualities amplify the more we give focus to them. This in turn makes us even more upset. Focus on what he or she has done right. Focus on the things we love about them. Focus on the beautiful characteristics that make them unique.
18. Stop Point Fingers – Placing blame will keep the fighting alive. It is a natural progression to blame our unhappiness and un-comfort on other people or events around us. I too have done this, many, many times. At the end of the day, the only thing we have control over is ourselves, and our reactions to life situations. Can we really blame others for our unhappiness? Instead, look within ourselves and see what we can proactively do to shift our thinking and perception of the situation such that we can feel happy? As one of my favorite quotes states so wisely, “We cannot control the wind, but we can direct the sail.” So true.
19. Gratitude – I’ve always found it helpful when feeling moody and argumentative to focus on the blessings in my life. By shifting our focus, we shift our state of being and move away from continuing to feel bad. List out the things you are grateful for today, close your eyes and thank every part of your body for its endless function, appreciate your surroundings, write in a journal on all things you are grateful for today, or read an old journal entry of your gratitude list.
20. Build Strong Sense of Self Worth – I believe that the insecurities that rise out of relationships are the result of insecurities we have with ourselves. We have to love ourselves before we can truly accept love from others. Dedicate time to building relationships with ourselves, and in the process, we will find that our insecurities slowly disintegrate and we end up falling in love with ourselves. We do not fall in love in an ego driven way, but in the same way we experience love and connection for all beings. Go on self dates, spend quality time with yourself, appreciate you, do things that feed your soul. What do you love to do that you wished you could do more of? For me, that’s reading.
Have a blessed day
Love & Light
Karen
Dealing with Jealousy
Jealousy can be very difficult subject to deal with. Our own as well as others. I read through this site and David has some very good suggestions. I recommend you check it out if this is something that is going on in your life. Building yourself up to feel good about you and the people in your life is a very important step in finding happiness.
http://www.davidbonham-carter.com/jealousy.html
By: David Bonham-Carter Life Coaching
A definition of jealousy might be:
a person’s fears and anxieties around attention that they perceive is being given to or by someone else who is important to them.
Thus for example a woman might experience jealousy at the sight of her husband or boyfriend dancing with another woman – or vice versa.
Although most commonly discussed in the context of sexual and romantic relationships, jealousy can also be present between other groups of people – for example, in family situations where sisters or brothers compete against each other for the attention of a parent and one feels left out.
Jealousy and Envy
One view is that envy is not the same as jealousy, since envy usually involves wishing that you were someone else or admiring them and may just involve a tendency to be wistful or dreamy, allied perhaps with low self esteem. Envy can however sometimes involve or lead into some some of the more painful feelings associated with jealousy.
Jealousy tends to be associated with emotions such as:
Anger
Fear
Feelings of humiliation
Jealousy and Insecurity
Jealousy in a relationship can be one of the most destabilising of emotions. It often indicates insecurity about a relationship involving:
Suspicion and sometimes an attempt to reach certainty about whether the other person is betraying your trust – it may not be possible to reach absolute certainty about this in a relationship, in which case the desire to know may simply lead to greater anxiety and frustration.
Actions towards a partner or towards a third party which may be perceived by that other person, whether rightly or wrongly, as:
Over possessive
Intimidating
Controlling
In the worst cases it can lead to violence – if you feel that your or someone else’s jealousy could lead to potential violence then you should seek help to avert this arising before the situation gets out of hand.
If you are someone who is experiencing jealousy then it is also likely that it will affect your own self esteem. Whether or not you acknowledge to the other person that your feelings are excessive or irrational, the likelihood is that you will experience a loss of confidence in yourself as well as doubts about your own judgment and sometimes perhaps a sense of personal shame that you are not trusting the other person. You may also worry that the situation is outside your control.
Jealousy in a Relationship
As mentioned above, one view of jealousy in a relationship is that ultimately it arises out of insecurities – particularly if the jealousy your are experiencing is unfounded. This view informs the suggestions below as to what you can do to help overcome jealousy and stop yourself being jealous or acting in a jealous way. Those suggestions focus on;
Building your self esteem in a reasonable way
Reducing lifestyle elements which might exacerbate jealousy
Addressing your possessive or jealous thoughts.
Overcoming Jealousy Tips
Below are given some initial tips for dealing with jealousy:
Finding ways of Making Yourself Feel More Secure
If your jealousy arises from feeling insecure or from feeling that your worth is dependent on the opinion or praise of one individual then you can try to improve your sense of self esteem and belief in yourself, independently of your partner or whoever is at the centre of your jealous fears. For example:
Write a list of your positive qualities and achievements and read it through on a daily basis, or when you are feeling insecure, to remind yourself that you do have worth
Spend some time doing some reasonable activities or pastimes that meet your own wishes or needs – what you will enjoy will depend on you. This might be exercise or talking to friends or music or going to a health centre – whatever you would like to do for your own enjoyment.
Dealing with Lifestyle Elements
If you are experiencing jealousy then:
Avoid intoxicants such as alcohol or illegal drugs, which may exacerbate mood swings and increase out the chances of you acting in an inappropriate way.
Caffeine can sometimes heighten anxiety for some people so I would also recommend you to avoid that if possible.
Dealing with Jealous Thoughts
Try identifying situations when you find yourself feeling jealous and write down for yourself:
1. When the feelings and jealous thoughts arise.
2. What actual thoughts go through your head.
3. (a) What you might say to yourself (b) What you might do in terms of actions – to prevent the jealous thought from taking over and to retain your dignity.
You might for example:
Remind yourself of those positive qualities that you do have and that these are not dependent on the approval or interest of the other person
Count to 10 before opening your mouth in anger to allow you to collect your thoughts
If there are others present, look at the other people in the room who are not involved in the situation and not even aware of it and start to wonder what they might be thinking about, as a way of taking your mind off the situation
Remind yourself of similar situation when you have managed to stay in control and try to do again what you did then.
Have a blessed week
Love & Light
Karen
Self Conducted Past Life Regression
Past Life Regressions are a great source to let go of unwanted blocks. We can bring forth positive and negative cell memory from past lives. I found an exercise so that you can visit your past lives on your own. I hope you try it. I have done this and this process is amazing. Enjoy!!!
http://www.healpastlives.com/pastlf/exercise/exregres.htm
Exercise: Self Conducted Past Life Regression
Summary: Accessing Your Past Lives on Your Own at Home
For Quick Access to This Exercise:
To get to the parts of this exercise you are most interested in viewing, click on the link below to go there. For best results, read through the entire exercise at least once.
Background on This Exercise
Goal of This Exercise
Preparation for This Exercise
How to Do This Exercise
Example of Exercise Results
Background: Everyone has the ability to access their own past lives. You can train yourself to access your own past life memories through a past life regression that you conduct on your own at home. [Audio Available]
Goal: The goal of this exercise is to allow you to explore your past lives while alone in a safe and pleasant manner.
Preparation:
1> Most people need to do this exercise daily for at least a month before they begin to get anything that is meaningful about their past lives. So you will probably need to have some patience with the process. Yet if you are patient and have a sincere desire to do further past life journeying, you will be successful.
2> Remember to do this process slowly. You must focus on completely relaxing your body and your mind so that images of your past lives can be brought gently into your conscious awareness. Each time you do this exercise you will go ever more deeply into yourself. The deeper you go, the more answers you get.
3> Ask for your Higher Self, your Guides, your Guardian angels, and whatever other servants of the universe you like to be present for the entire session and to keep you safe and protected at all times.
4> Being comfortable is the key. You can lie down (recommended) or sit up. If you opt to sit up, you must be supported and feel fully relaxed and comfortable. Be sure to loosen any restrictive clothing.
……For more on “Relaxation Processes & Techniques”, click here.
5> Do this exercise in a peaceful place where you will be completely quiet and undisturbed for the entire session when you are fairly well rested (so you will NOT fall asleep) . This entire exercise should last for NO longer than 45 minutes. Set an alarm or timer to snap you out of it should the session run longer.
6> Pick a special intention for you past life journey. It could be “what I most need to see”, “what I most need to heal”, or “the explanation for my life’s purpose”, “about a past personality”, or “a special need”.
Have a blessed day
Love & Light
Karen
How to have Faith
I found another wonderful site this morning that I think can help anyone that is struggling with having faith. Faith isn’t just about religion it’s about everyday life. Craig has an unusual and refreshing perspective on faith. Check it out and his archive as well.
http://stillwakingup.net/2011/02/03/faith/
Posted on February 3, 2011 by Craig
I’ve never really succeeded at optimism, because I could never completely ignore all the unhappy endings in the world. “All shall be well,” say the optimists (echoing Julian of Norwich), even as millions die every day from malnutrition and preventable diseases. How can you promise a happy ending to an impoverished single mother of five living in a third-world slum? Any belief in a fairy-tale romance for her is just magical thinking with no basis in reality.
However, I have learned a different kind of optimism, inspired by those who have risen above their circumstances to do great things. I have learned, despite all circumstances, that I have the power of intention on my side. I can choose a new intention for a better life for me and those I care about. I have the power of choice. I have the power to take action, even if my actions are somewhat limited by my circumstances. I have the power to change my world for the better.
I have more power than I’ve claimed in the past. And I am not bound by my past. I may be affected by my past; I have debts to pay, anger to resolve, excess weight to shed, and trust that needs mending. But this brokenness does not define me or confine me. I have the power to choose a new future and take action.
I have the power of compassion on my side. I am a co-conspirator with Spirit, an agent of the Divine. Yes, in fact, I am on a mission from God – and so are you. I can and I must tap into the fountain of compassion and beauty that lives in every human soul, and manifest it lavishly in the material world.
Having a bad past is not enough to stop me, but having a good intention is not enough to ensure my success. Good intention without action is just magical thinking and impotent optimism doomed to failure. As Saint Teresa of Calcutta put it: “Prayer without action is no prayer at all.” But with action, I bring the power of Spirit to bear on any situation, no matter how difficult, and have a chance of at least making it better.
Maybe I can’t cure all the diseases in the world, and maybe I can’t even stop a friend’s addiction, but I can do something. I can’t control the results, but I can have compassion and bring at least a little light and love to the situation. And as I continue to do what I can, where I can, believing in my intention, my strength of compassion has the opportunity to come out of the darkness and into the light, and it gets stronger with use.
In the past, my response to overwhelming difficulty was often anger mixed with powerlessness, leading to depression and stagnation. I equated positive intention with magical thinking in many cases (and not in a good way), because I didn’t believe in the power to create a happy ending. I still don’t believe it’s possible to guarantee that my actions will inevitably yield the results I want. But by giving in to depression and resignation, I deprived my world of much-needed action and compassion, and guaranteed failure.
I need love. My world needs love. I need to express love. It’s time to make a choice and go do something.
Have a blessed day
Love & Light
Karen
Learn To Love Yourself
This is so important for every person to have a healthy life but unfortunately this is what most of us do last. Please go to this link and learn about how special YOU are!!!
http://www.artofloving.com/love/loveyourself.htm
By Leslie Karen Lobell, M.A.
According to the song written by Michael Masser and Linda Creed, Greatest Love of All “The greatest love of all / Is easy to achieve / Learning to love yourself / It is the greatest love of all.” I agree that, for many people, self-love may be the greatest and most important love they ever experience in this lifetime. However, for so many people, “learning to love yourself” does not seem so “easy to achieve.” For most of us, genuine self-love seems so elusive, so much harder to grasp than we expected. In my last piece, I spoke about the importance of self-love. Now, I would like to give some practical suggestions – some first steps — on how to learn to love yourself.
I have made the analogy that, if you keep giving to others without giving to yourself, it is like pouring water from a vessel. If you pour and pour without ever refilling it, eventually, it will run dry. So, if we are like that vessel, how do we refill, recharge, re-energize, and replenish ourselves, so that we will have energy and love to give to others and to the world? The answer is: by loving and giving to ourselves, first. How do we begin to do this?
There are many ways for us to love and to care for ourselves… The possibilities are infinite. One way to learn to love yourself is to act as if you already do (i.e., “Fake it till you make it”). An important way to love yourself is to nourish and care for your body: eat healthy foods and exercise regularly. You may want to “treat” yourself to things like a massage, a facial, a pedicure, or a gym membership. Taking breaks and having fun are important, as well. Whether alone, with a friend, or with a partner, you may want to have a night out on the town: go out for a nice dinner, go dancing, and/or attend the theater, a concert, the ballet, or a movie. If you tend to be a workaholic — or if you are more a saver than a spender — then perhaps it is time to take a well-deserved, long-overdue vacation. Of course, treating yourself does not need to involve great expense: you can take a bubble bath, eat dinner at home by candlelight, take a walk on the beach, swim in the ocean (those waters are very healing), or watch a sunset. Perhaps you enjoy taking time to paint or to write. These are just a few ideas… You can put your own imagination to work…
Another way to enhance self-love and self-esteem is to be aware of your self-talk (those things that you say to yourself inside your head). Speak to yourself in ways that are more kind, and less mean or abusive. Many of us have very harsh inner critics: When we make a mistake, this critical voice inside our head beats up on us, saying things like, “That was so stupid! … I can’t do anything right! … What a loser!” We need to replace these negative messages with other, more positive ones. For example, “I made a mistake. That’s okay: That is how I learn. I’ll know better the next time.” With awareness, over time, you can “catch yourself” when your self-talk is negative, and change the message to something more positive and “ego-enhancing.”
Don’t just “catch yourself being wrong.” “Catch yourself being right.” In other words, don’t just catch the voice of your inner critic, and stop it from beating up on you. When you do something well, or when you find yourself saying the right things to yourself or to others, be sure to reward yourself: acknowledge yourself verbally, give yourself a pat on the back, or treat yourself to something special.
Yet another way you can learn to love yourself is by being in the practice of using positive affirmations. Take some time to come up with the qualities that you most want to embody. Choose about two or three to focus on for any one period of time. Then try this for at least a month: Repeat those qualities daily, telling yourself that you are those things, already. Whether or not you currently believe it, say it anyway… Again, “Fake it till you make it.” For example, take time to tell yourself, each day, “I am happy and successful” or “I am beautiful and bright” or “I love my body: I feel healthy and in balance” or “I am loving, caring, and worthy of love” or “I am powerful and self-confident” … whatever qualities you wish to be. You may want to write out these affirmations and post them someplace where you will see them regularly: on the bathroom mirror, on the refrigerator door, by the clock in your bedroom, atop your computer monitor, or somewhere in front of your desk at work. Even if, at first, you feel silly or uncomfortable repeating or reading these phrases, you may find that you grow into and become these qualities. You may even realize that you embodied them all along; you just had not realized it.
So, go ahead. Love yourself. Be good to yourself. Treat yourself well. Replenish yourself. You will discover that, the more you love yourself, the more you will be able to give love to others – and the more others will want to be around you and give back to you. This is a win-win situation. Loving yourself will ultimately benefit the lives of others you encounter, as well as your own life.
Have a blessed day
Love & Light
Karen
How To Choose To Be Happy
WebMD Feature
A popular greeting card attributes this quote to Henry David Thoreau: “Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.”
With all due respect to the author of Walden, that just isn’t so, according to a growing number of psychologists. You can choose to be happy, they say. You can chase down that elusive butterfly and get it to sit on your shoulder. How? In part, by simply making the effort to monitor the workings of your mind.
And yet, psychologists who study happiness — including Lykken — believe we can pursue happiness. We can do this by thwarting negative emotions such as pessimism, resentment, and anger. And we can foster positive emotions, such as empathy, serenity, and especially gratitude.
Have a blessed day
Love & Light
Karen
Why Meditate
I found this site to very informative I think everyone should take a look. It explains how to meditate and breathing methods and more!!
http://www.how-to-meditate.org
The purpose of meditation is to make our mind calm and peaceful. If our mind is peaceful, we will be free from worries and mental discomfort, and so we will experience true happiness; but if our mind is not peaceful, we will find it very difficult to be happy, even if we are living in the very best conditions. If we train in meditation, our mind will gradually become more and more peaceful, and we will experience a purer and purer form of happiness. Eventually, we will be able to stay happy all the time, even in the most difficult circumstances.
Usually we find it difficult to control our mind. It seems as if our mind is like a balloon in the wind – blown here and there by external circumstances. If things go well, our mind is happy, but if they go badly, it immediately becomes unhappy. For example, if we get what we want, such as a new possession or a new partner, we become excited and cling to them tightly. However, since we cannot have everything we want, and since we will inevitably be separated from the friends and possessions we currently enjoy, this mental stickiness, or attachment, serves only to cause us pain. On the other hand, if we do not get what we want, or if we lose something that we like, we become despondent or irritated. For example, if we are forced to work with a colleague whom we dislike, we will probably become irritated and feel aggrieved, with the result that we will be unable to work with him or her efficiently and our time at work will become stressful and unrewarding.
By training in meditation, we create an inner space and clarity that enables us to control our mind.
Such fluctuations of mood arise because we are too closely involved in the external situation. We are like a child making a sandcastle who is excited when it is first made, but who becomes upset when it is destroyed by the incoming tide. By training in meditation, we create an inner space and clarity that enables us to control our mind regardless of the external circumstances. Gradually we develop mental equilibrium, a balanced mind that is happy all the time, rather than an unbalanced mind that oscillates between the extremes of excitement and despondency.
If we train in meditation systematically, eventually we will be able to eradicate from our mind the delusions that are the causes of all our problems and suffering. In this way, we will come to experience a permanent inner peace, known as “liberation” or “nirvana”. Then, day and night in life after life, we will experience only peace and happiness.
Have a blessed day
Love & Light
Karen
thespiritwaytoday
