Dealing with Jealousy
Jealousy can be very difficult subject to deal with. Our own as well as others. I read through this site and David has some very good suggestions. I recommend you check it out if this is something that is going on in your life. Building yourself up to feel good about you and the people in your life is a very important step in finding happiness.
By: David Bonham-Carter Life Coaching
A definition of jealousy might be:
a person’s fears and anxieties around attention that they perceive is being given to or by someone else who is important to them.
Thus for example a woman might experience jealousy at the sight of her husband or boyfriend dancing with another woman – or vice versa.
Although most commonly discussed in the context of sexual and romantic relationships, jealousy can also be present between other groups of people – for example, in family situations where sisters or brothers compete against each other for the attention of a parent and one feels left out.
Jealousy and Envy
One view is that envy is not the same as jealousy, since envy usually involves wishing that you were someone else or admiring them and may just involve a tendency to be wistful or dreamy, allied perhaps with low self esteem. Envy can however sometimes involve or lead into some some of the more painful feelings associated with jealousy.
Jealousy tends to be associated with emotions such as:
Feelings of humiliation
Jealousy and Insecurity
Jealousy in a relationship can be one of the most destabilising of emotions. It often indicates insecurity about a relationship involving:
Suspicion and sometimes an attempt to reach certainty about whether the other person is betraying your trust – it may not be possible to reach absolute certainty about this in a relationship, in which case the desire to know may simply lead to greater anxiety and frustration.
Actions towards a partner or towards a third party which may be perceived by that other person, whether rightly or wrongly, as:
In the worst cases it can lead to violence – if you feel that your or someone else’s jealousy could lead to potential violence then you should seek help to avert this arising before the situation gets out of hand.
If you are someone who is experiencing jealousy then it is also likely that it will affect your own self esteem. Whether or not you acknowledge to the other person that your feelings are excessive or irrational, the likelihood is that you will experience a loss of confidence in yourself as well as doubts about your own judgment and sometimes perhaps a sense of personal shame that you are not trusting the other person. You may also worry that the situation is outside your control.
Jealousy in a Relationship
As mentioned above, one view of jealousy in a relationship is that ultimately it arises out of insecurities – particularly if the jealousy your are experiencing is unfounded. This view informs the suggestions below as to what you can do to help overcome jealousy and stop yourself being jealous or acting in a jealous way. Those suggestions focus on;
Building your self esteem in a reasonable way
Reducing lifestyle elements which might exacerbate jealousy
Addressing your possessive or jealous thoughts.
Overcoming Jealousy Tips
Below are given some initial tips for dealing with jealousy:
Finding ways of Making Yourself Feel More Secure
If your jealousy arises from feeling insecure or from feeling that your worth is dependent on the opinion or praise of one individual then you can try to improve your sense of self esteem and belief in yourself, independently of your partner or whoever is at the centre of your jealous fears. For example:
Write a list of your positive qualities and achievements and read it through on a daily basis, or when you are feeling insecure, to remind yourself that you do have worth
Spend some time doing some reasonable activities or pastimes that meet your own wishes or needs – what you will enjoy will depend on you. This might be exercise or talking to friends or music or going to a health centre – whatever you would like to do for your own enjoyment.
Dealing with Lifestyle Elements
If you are experiencing jealousy then:
Avoid intoxicants such as alcohol or illegal drugs, which may exacerbate mood swings and increase out the chances of you acting in an inappropriate way.
Caffeine can sometimes heighten anxiety for some people so I would also recommend you to avoid that if possible.
Dealing with Jealous Thoughts
Try identifying situations when you find yourself feeling jealous and write down for yourself:
1. When the feelings and jealous thoughts arise.
2. What actual thoughts go through your head.
3. (a) What you might say to yourself (b) What you might do in terms of actions – to prevent the jealous thought from taking over and to retain your dignity.
You might for example:
Remind yourself of those positive qualities that you do have and that these are not dependent on the approval or interest of the other person
Count to 10 before opening your mouth in anger to allow you to collect your thoughts
If there are others present, look at the other people in the room who are not involved in the situation and not even aware of it and start to wonder what they might be thinking about, as a way of taking your mind off the situation
Remind yourself of similar situation when you have managed to stay in control and try to do again what you did then.
Have a blessed week
Love & Light