Relationships “What should I do?”
Today is about understanding where you are at in your pursuit to having a happy relationship. I have collected information from different sources to help you gauge where you are at and give you ideas on how to better your situation. You do not have to be in a relationship for this information to help, all you have to do is refer back to your last one. I hope that you find this information helpful.
A Guide for Checking Your
Boundaries Within Relationships
Without good boundaries:
With good boundaries:
|Feel afraid – anticipate crisis – always expect the worst to happen||Feel secure – grounded – able to cope|
|Have difficulty saying “no”||Are able to set limits and say “no”|
|Change your behavior, plans or opinions to pacify partner – withhold your truth||Remain true to self and attempt mutually satisfying compromise that respects the needs of both|
|Make exceptions and excuses for partner’s behavior – even when appropriate||Is flexible and accountable and expect others to be flexible and accountable also|
|Are unclear about your choices, preferences and opinions – wonder if you are right often||Feel clear and decisive and act to get what you want and need|
|Make others responsible for your good and bad feelings about yourself||Take responsibility for your own feelings and responses|
|Use guilt, fear, shame, intimidation or interrogation in attempting to change partner||Speak with “I” messages and attempt to hear and understand partner|
|Are more focused on partner’s needs, emotions and feelings than you are on your own||Are in touch with your own needs, emotions, feelings and attend to them with self nurturing|
|Are unable to get angry but often feel victimized||Can express healthy anger and refuse to be victimized|
|Feel you must physically separate to get space and feel safe||Can stay engaged and yet feel separate|
|Often discount intuitive hunches||Listen and abide by intuition|
|Will comply with unwanted sexual advances in order to feel loved||Do not compromise your integrity for sex|
|Attempt to get your own needs met by constantly doing for others||Are direct about getting needs met and does not attempt to manipulate others|
|Avoid knowing the truth in attempting to avoid pain||Willing to experience temporary frustration or pain as an accepted part of growth|
Should You Leave Him or Her? How to Know When to Breakup
Sometimes, it can be difficult to know when to leave a relationship. Perhaps things aren’t great, but they’re not too bad either. It’s easy to sit on the fence for a while and just let fate take over, but it’s better to make a deliberate choice to stay or go. When making this decision, an important question to ask yourself is, “Is this relationship unhealthy?”
Unhealthy relationships follow identifiable patterns. Though circumstances always vary from couple to couple, they are often characterized by:
– Frequent arguments
– Frequent criticism on either side
– Inability to tolerate the other’s personal quirks
– Intolerance of the other’s friends or family
– Unfair expectations
– Hyper-sensitivity by one or both partners
– Intolerance of occasional lapses of attention
– Psychological problems that lead to behavioral ones
– Inability to address conflicts in a mature fashion
– Excessive jealousy and mistrust
– Extreme insecurity or major obstacles involving low self-esteem
– One or both partners have addictive or destructive tendencies
– Few, if any, mutual friends
– One partner gets easily upset over unimportant or petty things
– Excessive clingy-ness
– One or both partners feels as if they are “walking on eggshells” much of the time
– Difficulty discussing feelings
This is by no means and exhaustive list, and just represents some of the traits that characterize an unhealthy relationship.
Your significant other is supposed to be a source of comfort in the world, not a persistent source of stress and anxiety. If your relationship offers no sense of peace or safety, it’s time to end it. If the problems escalate to physical or emotional abuse, the need to breakup is even more urgent.
People often stay far too long in relationships that they no longer desire. They do this out of guilt, or a sense of loyalty to their partner (even in cases where abuse exists). Many people find themselves staying simply for their partner’s benefit.
Why Can’t You Leave?
Relationships are a choice. Or at least, they should be. Sometimes, we realize that a relationship is no longer working, but we stay anyway. There are many reasons why people stay stuck in relationships they no longer want, including:
* Guilt — You can’t bear the thought of hurting our parnter
* Loyalty — You’ve invested so much and have a long history with them, even if it’s a bad history
* Misplaced priorities — You feel that your partner’s needs are more important than your own
* Expectations – – You don’t want to disappoint your family or your partner’s family by breaking up
* Financial or logistical reasons — You don’t have the money to leave, you live together, or you have a child together (sometimes a good reason to maintain a relationship, but not always)
* He or she will “freak out” — You fear your partner’s reaction to the news
If your partner stands in the way of you living a fulfilling life, you probably need to leave. That doesn’t mean disregarding commitments and responsibilities, but if you should never feel trapped in a life you don’t want. All relationships require some amount of sacrifice, but giving up the possibility for happiness is not part of the deal.
Written by Lynette Hoy NCC, LCPC
Has your trust been broken? Talk to a mentor today.
One of my clients once asked me what it means to trust another human being. She wanted to know how she should react when a spouse or significant other is dishonest, inconsiderate or having an affair. She wondered if it is possible to rebuild trust in someone who disappoints us greatly.
What does trusting someone signify?
Trust, in a practical sense, means that you place confidence in someone to be honest with you, faithful to you, keep promises, vows and confidences and not abandon you. Here are some factors to consider about trust. Trusting another person requires a realistic perspective about people and an expectation of failure. Trust needs to be combined with a willingness to forgive and grows best in an environment of acceptance and love.
There’s no magic machine, you don’t put in a quarter and out drops a can of trust — trust grows over time. People are complex, broken beings therefore, previous hurts, fears or losses can impede their determination to trust and/or be truthful in a relationship. But, people have the capacity and the ability to change and to grow in trust and truthfulness. You can rebuild trust in broken relationships when you make a choice to do so with the supernatural help of God.
Adjust your expectations
Has love betrayed you? Is it preventing you from believing that you are a human being who is loved by God? You are intelligent, beautiful, loved, and not alone.
People are human, frail, and sinful. Therefore, you need a realistic type of trust when you choose to trust someone. Trusting grows in relationships over time because as you spend time together with someone you build knowledge, understanding and authenticity. You gain insight into another person’s character, needs, motivations and fears.
Unconditional love develops trust because as you express this kind of love towards someone — generally he or she will sense your acceptance and feel comfortable to be vulnerable and honest about their feelings. Unconditional love actually builds self-esteem in others and alleviates their fears of rejection. People learn that they can be authentic with you about their feelings, opinions, and failures. The result is a growing trust in the other person. Not because that person is perfect but because that person is growing in honesty.
Unconditional love is patient and kind
It is not self-seeking. It does not keep a record of wrongs. When love is not patient or enduring; when love is unforgiving and always disappointed or looking for something to go wrong, it generates fear and looks for imperfections in the other person. Fear-based love is conditional creating an atmosphere of distrust, dishonesty and instability.
You can have a limited trust in people as you grow to know them and they see you really care about them but the fact is that people will let us down. That is reality. Obviously, when someone has broken their vows and been unfaithful, has lied or been dishonest in the relationship, they need to change. You can make some requests for change and take the risk of starting over again. Get counseling and pastoral guidance. You can find a counselor or go to the nearest mental health center. If you are suicidal please contact 911 (in the USA & Canada) or go to a hospital emergency room.
If that person is not sincere about changing and continues to lie or betray you, then, you need to consider whether to end the relationship.
Take a look at yourself as well
You will never be perfect and therefore, you will probably disappoint your loved one as well. You can promise to never say something hurtful or never tell a lie or never exaggerate or always keep your promises or (you name it) but since you are human you will also make mistakes and disappoint that person. The only thing you or your loved one can promise is to grow, to seek God and ask Him for strength to change. Then you and your loved one will become more trustworthy in your relationships, though you will never be perfect.
Every human relationship will suffer hurt. Thus, we all need to become better forgivers and confessors. That ability to reconcile and spirit of humbleness will prove the depth of your love and commitment.
The components of love, forgiveness and commitment are as necessary to trust in a relationship as is honesty. Forgiveness gives you the chance to start over and trust another fallible human being again. Love helps to nourish trust. Commitment and honesty provide accountability to one another.
The ability to forgive is rooted in being forgiven ourselves. In the Bible it says that God loves the world so much that he sent his only son so that we could be forgiven. As people we all make mistakes, not one of us can live up to the standard God set on our own. But God promises that if we accept what Jesus did for us, we can be forgiven. The slate can be wiped clean no matter what has happened in the past. God promises us strength for today and bright hope for the future. Whatever happened in your yesterdays God can take care of all of your tomorrows.
Have a blessed day
Love & Light