When loneliness creeps into your relationship
Written by: Rafiki Mickey
I have always wanted to write about loneliness in a relationship, but somehow I never did, until last weekend when I was reading an interview of Mandela’s wife (Graca) which she did on his 90th birthday.
She said: “Madiba [Mandela] was a lonely person when I met him; he had the world in his hands. But at the end of the day, after the public meetings etc, he would go home and he would be alone”.
Note should be taken that he was still considered married to Winnie at that time of loneness! Being one of the most respected people in the world forced him to suffer like a hero that we all knew he was, until Graca came to save him. This loneliness eventually resulted into his divorcing Winnie.
How do you know you are lonely?
There are many people who confuse being alone with the concept of loneliness; the fact being that you can be alone and not necessarily be lonely. Sometimes you could be in the company of others yet you feel very lonely.
The simple parameter of knowing that you are lonely is: are you always waiting for your partner? Do you always take long waiting for your partner at home or anywhere where you are supposed to be together and somehow he/she ends up coming late?
As long as you want to see or spend quality time with your partner and he/she is unavailable, then you can rightly claim to be lonely!
This doesn’t necessarily have to be limited to the home; it could be at an event, an outing or any place or time that you are supposed to be with your partner but somehow, they don’t show up or are always late.
Effects of loneliness
An idle mind is the workshop of the devil, so it’s said. Simply put, one can do many evil things when they are alone and get bored in the process, amongst the evils of being lonely is:
When a partner turns this most abhorred trait into a norm, suspicion is inevitable. This is because most times, the absent partner may have very unconvincing reasons as to where he/she is always.
It’s this seed of suspicion that sometimes germinates into horrible acts, from violence to revenge ideas, and the problem with trust is that most of the times when suspicion is planted, it may not be easily uprooted.
Sometimes infidelity is a product of the suspicion – a neighbor of mine discovered this very late. The story goes that he was always coming home past midnight and he happened to be married.
He had his younger brother staying with him and in time, the younger brother started sleeping with the wife. When confronted, they both gave the same reason- of always being left alone for long and because of that, they claimed, Satan tempted them!
Loss of sex and intimacy
Whenever a partner is not around and comes home late at night, intimacy and sex disappears.
This is because even if the waiting partner was in a sexy mood, with time, the anticipation would evaporate and he/she would eventually get out of mood.
Getting stressed all the time:
There is too much to worry about when a partner is always late, including worrying about his/her safety.
The effect of this can even affect the waiting partner’s health. Doctors tell us that when you worry too much, you might become nauseatic and this leads to your having headaches that can turn into migraine.
This could eventually rise to levels of stress in you and if this pattern continues, then you can become depressed which will have devastating effects to your health.
Fighting between couples in a relationship is always the first sign that their relationship is about to break up.
I mean not all fights lead to break-ups, but most times when the brawls become a routine, then know that sooner than later, the two of you will walk different roads.
Solutions for loneliness
Every problem has a solution; thus, I would feel that I have done you a disservice should I anchor without giving you some tips for countering loneliness in your relationship should you be a victim. Some of these may include;-
Have plan b
Always have an alternative activity that you are supposed to do instead of playing the waiting game! This is particularly important should it happen to be that it’s a daily tendency.
Learning new recipes or, watching a movie or reading that novel that you always wanted to finish could be one way of utilizing the time that would rather be wasted in the name of waiting.
Lastly and I think the best solution, is trying to solve this problem by communicating to your partner. It’s important that you set deadlines and exchange promises with each other, so that you don’t end the Madiba -Winnie way.
Have a Blessed Day
Love & Light
The Spirit Way